General

So You Are Saying There’s A Chance

Gevlon wrote a pretty sarcastic piece (I think it was meant to be sarcastic!) calling for the end of all randomization in gaming to counterbalance the future of loot box mania (which is already here, and not going anywhere). I do appreciate that some people – and “gamers” in particular – appreciate some certainty. This is why we went from random boss drops in MMOs to tokens, and the like. Some randomization is good, but when it is too much in specific circumstances it can be bad. Many games try to find a balance.

Back in 2009 I wrote a piece about how much I love randomization in games – often in extreme cases. While the premise was built on a pen and paper game that took the idea to a very fun place.

One thing I loved about the Star Wars pen and paper game was the concept of the ‘red’ dice. SW was played with all d6 – and on your rolls you always had to had an off colored dice. That dice was the “special” dice. We called it the fate dice. It may have officially have been called the ‘Force’ dice. I’m not sure. Its been 15 years. The crux of it? You rolled real bad on that dice, even if you rolled all 6’s on the others, and crazy things would happen. Crazy bad. It also worked in the reverse, where a good roll – on that one dice – would make amazingly incredible things happen. Out of the ordinary.

The off color dice in Star Wars PnP gave a full creative licence to the Game Master to do amazing things to the person, situation, and campaign. The game was far better for it. I even loved the randomization of a bad luck roll that cost me a perma-death member of my Blood Bowl team (in that same article). That was always part of the game and the chance that that could happen made the game have consequence and tension. I could easily avoid that chance by not playing that character but I would lose more games because of it. Choice and consequence are exciting things in games and sometimes I feel like we are seeing less of both.

Truth be told when thinking about randomization in games it’s basically the main vehicle to keep things interesting. Games (across all spectrums – board, card, digital, heck, even live sports!) are built on chance and that chance creates the moments that make the games worthwhile. If not for randomization, we would just be playing math problems – and as much as I like math I also like shooting things in the face and having random things happen around that. In cards, the lone Euchre hand is built on randomization. What cards are dealt in each of the four hands (100% random, but from a defined number of options) what card your opponent leads with (partially random, with some skill based on experience) and when and what trump cards you use. Being able to say “I’m not playing this hand” after it is dealt to you in essence ruins the game. Especially moreso for the person who actually has a lone (or strong) hand to play.  Most board games have rounds resolved (or started) with the roll of a dice – what is more random than that? Taking away the element of chance is taking away concept of the “game” as well. Sure, some games such as Chess have no random elements outside of the human choice made (which is defaulted more to strategic thought) but on the whole – if you are playing or watching most games there are elements of chance and elements of strategy – how much of each co-exist is dependent on the game itself.

I do agree that randomization should not be tied to – or a result of – monetary investment. This is the slippery slope where video games are heading (or at, depending on perspective) and once again it is up to the consumer base to send a message by voting with their wallet. It has been demonstrated that some people actually like that opportunity to exchange their time for money and as such many of these titles will see success with the model and continue to build those contingencies in.

Thankfully we live in a gaming world of choice, and not just chance. It’s far more interesting that there is both.

 

Blog Therapy – Drafts Folder Purge Part 5

I still have pesky drafts sitting in my ‘Posts’ folder from waay back in 2015. I am continuing to examine and decide whether to finish off the post, or delete it to the blog-void permanently.

My other posts in this series are Part 1Part 2Part 3, Part 4.

What I am, and Not, Playing (4/30/2015)

Back during #writersblogblock (you know, the online version of writers block – because everyting in blogging has to have the word “blog” in it) I managed to pull of a full two blog posts in April. Two. That is basically my worst month of blog posting during months that I posted at all. I took extended stretches of breaks to deal with a cancer scare and a self-induced divorce avoidance. Those were times where I was more focused on hiding and being in denial than writing about games and hobbies. I literally wrote a couple sentences in this draft mentioning I was still enjoying playing  Baseball on the PS4  and used the quote “In this giant gaming market of choice of freedom” without finishing the sentence. I think it was a general malaise statement – that even with all of that I did not feel inspired to write. This post is pretty common in #blognation when bloggers don’t post for a while they often come back and post what they have been playing to pass the time. I keep a list of all the bloggers I used to follow closely who no longer post as a reminder of old friends and voices gone (or changed). Some of died on that list.  Of course, it is just a tiny snippet of the multitude of bloggers who stop but they were close to me.  I still check them randomly to see if their sites are still alive (many are, just forgotten) and every once in a while one will post something. My hard and fast rule is that if you don’t post for six months you are a Writer Resting In Paradise (WRIP) but you can always come back.  Anyway – off topic here but a clear outcome of kill the draft, save the world.

Emotional Connections (4/30/2015)

I just couldn’t get a third blog post out that month, despite my best effort. While the text wasn’t exceptional it did hit on an area I think games are primed to succeed in:

Games and gaming are immature industries. I am often reminded of this by Tesh.

Wait, isn’t it silly to call a multi-billion dollar industry “immature”? Gaming has been happening for *years* and with it huge productions, programs, studios (etc.) have made (and lost) millions upon millions. I have spoken before about how the industry needs to look to other retail methods and sensibilities that most retail and purchasing habits follow.

Connect with heads and hearts. We use that in retail all the time. You truly can’t win over a customer if you only connect with their head. Their head, will find other and better reasons to shop elsewhere.

Video games are well placed to succeed here. Games naturally play on our intellect with focus and engagement. They also help us form bonds. On a deeper level, some of us traditionally connect better through our online bonds than in regular social situations (stereotypes aside) or have learned how to socialize OUTSIDE of games from the in game parts.

Gaming as an industry acts in many ways contrary to business fundamentals. The churn and burn mentality. The taking as much advantage of your customer base as you can without crossing the line. Eschewing any sense of loyalty or rewards beyond access to their games although loyal customers tend to make up the majority of repurchase decisions. I think gaming companies are fortunate that a lot of money comes from immature consumers and eventually their actions will come back to haunt them. Still – this post resonates with me as I remain very curious and interested in wondering the impact of a gaming company acted like a normal, retail company in how it treats, supports, and engages it’s customers. I do believe there is an opportunity here and have spoken about loyalty and gaming several times. Will be interesting to see the industry grow and adopt. Outcome: treating this post like gaming companies treat customer loyalty. Ignoring it.

Before Midnight (5/21/2015)

The romantic movie Before Sunrise (1995) was a movie I watched with a University sweetheart that immediately connected with me.  I loved the conversations, the actors, the setting – everything. I can still recite the waterside poem by heart. There was a second, Before Sunset (2004) that resolved the ending of the first and introduced new ideas and issues to the lovers. Then the third, Before Midnight, came out in 2013 and I hadn’t watch it yet until I made this blog post. I am not going to give away any spoilers to these movies but the writing is amazing, the characters relatable, and the situation – in all three – is very honest. This, of course, from my novice moving loving opinion. I wouldn’t even qualify myself as a romantic and I think why this movie trilogy is brilliant is that it isn’t made with the romantic at heart. I can’t say much else without spoiling the plot. This post draft explored my history with the movie and themes within and I already had 500 words written down – which is often a regular sized post for me.  All that being said I am hardly going to revise and update a post I started two years ago about a movie that is 4 years old already. Oucome: Not finishing this one as it’s way in the past, like an old lover you can’t forget but still get choked up when you think about them. Even though you have both long moved on.

Better the Second Time Around (06/23/2015)

This was another 500+ word draft that I just didn’t finish. It was based on how much I was enjoying playing Everquest on the progression servers, of which, I already have several posts about. A small excerpt about an old XP penalty for a class that is now long gone – and how taking the old base game and giving some modern day improvements doesn’t ruin the experience.

My Shadowknight is now level 8 (with  around 10 hours played) and that does seem really fast. The old SKs faced one of the worst XP penalties (168% as a troll, I believe). Could you imagine that in today’s MMO landscape? That class/race combinations would level at different speeds? That’s crazy talk. It also didn’t survive and those penalties are gone.

That is like how Monopoly now has debit cards so you don’t have to count all of your cash and have these stacks of funny money that get lost and stack terribly. Some purists may like that torture but I’ll take the quality of life improvements while preserving the core experience any day. This post might be relevant today with the WoW server announcements but i am just not sure if it will hold the same appeal to me. Yes, vanilla WoW and The Burning Crusade were formative MMO years and my recollection of trial and tribulations of getting something solo I wasn’t supposed to be able to do with workarounds (still love that experience, and that post!) but those moments have been long removed from MMOs and even though the grind, comradarie, and joy of being “back home” in EQ had some staying power it was still a temporary visit. Like going to a high school reunion and realizing how small the gym actually was, and looking at old class pictures to realize the fantasy of the past was really out of style. Outcome: killing this draft as I stopped playing shortly after, and had the realization that yes – you can go home again – you just can’t stay there long.

Listmas (12/21/2015)

Yes, I had a 2014 Listmas post in the LAST Draft cleanup roundup. Seems I really want to get on board with Murfvs‘s #Listmas push but I didn’t get around to it. For a second year in a row. And now Murf is WRIP, so I will never be able to do a Listmas. I am not great at Blognation events, although I did crush a couple of Blaugust months back when they were a think. I even played around in Anook when there was a push to focus on a blog social platform, but really it was just a place I reposted what I already post.  I don’t even use twitter for blogging – well barely, but I do use it as a resource where I read some tweets and defend the honor of Ketchup Chips. Like a good Canadian.

The Listmas I was going to do was the top 10 things to try as a gamer to get healthy. I started posting about my own health journey where I went from 230 pounds to 175 and the impact it had on my physical and mental well being. Some other gaming bloggers suggest I make that “my thing” as there is a stigma around gaming and being unhealthy – you know, the Mountain Dew fueled 12 hour sedentary lifestyle the gamers embody and often promote. I did a couple posts around that but in the end the information is out there – but you just have to want to do it, commit to it, make small and manageable changes, and not beat yourself up when you fall off your goals (which you will). Key is to fail often. Anyway – this Listmas was going to be about how and what small changes to start with if you wanted to focus on a healthier lifestyle that doesn’t interfere fully with your passionate hobbies. The two can co-exist and I am living proof. Outcome: there are 10 reasons why I am deleting this draft. #10 – Listmas is over. #9 – I am not chronicle-ling a health journey here as a focus. #8 – you get it already, right? ….

Another batch of Post Drafts cleaned up! Sad that I am not building off of any of these but as mentioned in prior posts it feels good to purge the folder. It feels even better to review what I was thinking at that time and where I was planning on going with posts that didn’t make the cut. The best news is that my drafts folder is almost full caught up – I might have one more of these cleaning posts to do.

Snake Oil : Day One DLC

Way back in 2010 I was pretty upset with EA. I am embarrassed enough to say that I have linked to that post myself five times – six, if you include this one. Each of those links was for different reasons but it remains one of my most linked posts by myself. I think it shows a gamer broken with exasperation by a company and an industry that continues to do head shaking things to itself, it’s customers, and it’s employees. Not much has changed in the seven years either as companies do what companies are supposed to do – find ways to maximize revenues, minimize costs, and provide shareholder value. Often at the expense of the consumer. In many ways you could call it a digital, perverse version of Stockholm Syndrome since we continually feed the behaviors that are most often against our longer term goals for quick fixes and “happiness”.

Loot boxes are one component of this and Blognation and traditional media outlets are reporting on whether or not they resemble a form of gambling. I have stated here before, and other places in comments, that while they may not be gambling per se based off of corporate behaviors and their only function to return value to shareholders there is nothing requiring them to be honest in the odds or fair in the chances that those loot boxes will give you want you ultimately want. They do know what you want, the information is there. When I have played 80% of my competitive games as a certain character and there is a skin for that character only available in a certain loot box that I start buying they know exactly what I want. And at that point, they will try to sort out my willpower and extract every last penny they can in my quest to get that one thing.  They have, and they will again. I am not going to go deeper into Loot Boxes here as it has been covered better elsewhere and discussed to the small percentage of getting to near death for maximum revenue.

The other component which isn’t so much in your face is the release of as little content as possible to sell additional content as soon as possible. In my EA link at the top their Medal of Honor release waited two full weeks to launch a paid DLC – which was minor, at $10, but the game had so little content to start with it was a pretty bold move. I do believe it was a consumer test to see who would buy and who would backlash. I think it was a successful test because now companies wait a whole 90 days to launch their DLC after their content-light major launch.

Wait 90 days and I’ll give you the other half – for a price!

Yes, looking at Destiny 2.  They just released their first date for their DLC which is December. Of course it was completed before Destiny 2 launched their main game. It’s ready to go and much of it could have been in at launch but it’s better to get your player base bored fast with what you released, and charge them for more content later. It’s a good strategy that is working for them well. Hell, I pre-bought the version that gives me the first two expansion. Which, all three together, would probably make a complete game. I was fooled by the hopes and dreams of a better Destiny, but instead got a heavy does of Reality. Shame on me, of course. Lesson learned.

Voting with my wallet won’t work while there is a sea of people who are fine with it. And that’s okay too. I went through a great phase where I didn’t get caught up in hype and would wait for releases and Blognation reviews (over the paid marketers) and I was just happier then because at least I knew what I was in for and not nearly as disappointed. I don’t remember the last time I was so disappointed by a game or gaming company and I am actually embarrassed that I care so much, that I had such high expectations, and that I feel like I was… conned. Of course it is all on me – they were honest on much of it and if you look at their first development schedule they did the exact same thing – September release, December DLC launch (of content that was already done), then 6 months for the next DLC.  6 months for the third, and then a year for the fourth. It wouldn’t surprise me if they kept to the exact same schedule since it is Destiny 1.5 after all. 😉

Is there a real world equivalent to this digital commercial behavior or is this just part of the new-norm, digitized economy?

The Oracle Speaketh!

Sometimes, I get it right. Every once and awhile I go read an old post – this is normally because someone else read it and it got a hit and I try to see what lead them to that post. Here is the paragraph from what I wrote in 2008

A side thought to this is to change the MMO subscription model a bit while introducing leasing. Drop the “magical” $14.99 per month sub tag to a lower number, and start selling gold to your own players. That way everyone wins. People who want instant items without the lease (and the gold on hand) can buy it from the MMO company. The people who do, subsidise everyone’s subscription fee so the ones who don’t pay a smaller monthly fee. Company wins from increased revenues. Playerbase wins from decreased costs.

I wrote that way back in 2008. in this post, about a stupid idea about leasing items but hey, is that close enough to say ” I called it?”

Probably not. But for a brief moment it made me feel like writing here all of these years hasn’t been a complete waste. And yes, I barely remember writing it.

In Touch With My Wonder Woman Side

Wonder Woman was a very powerful movie. I tried for a bit to sort out why I felt that way. It has been a rough few weeks. I went in hopeful after reading some good reviews, and left it feeling great. It felt like WW was the first shot at building a superhero movie around love. I am not Mr. Sappy pants and I love me the clever humour in the Marvel Universe as much as the darker, more serious tones in the DC Universe. Wonder Woman cut out the jokes, and the darkness, and brought an awesome movie around doing what is right, love and nurturing.

In someways an innocent girl growing into womanhood seemed a bit cliche as she discovered the world as it is for the first time, but I felt the writing and directing did it enough justice by keeping her learning of the world and society intelligent and based on discovery and wonder instead of immature silliness or stupidity. It felt like they did her justice. They didn’t even use the words Wonder Woman in the entire movie which as a modern day macho man feels like a condescending term created in the 40’s due to lack of creativity (it was, right?)

Of course, coming from a man, I honestly have no clue if women feel the same way on feminist themes and discussion around the film. I read the UN took away Wonder Woman’s Ambassador status because of her sexualized nature and unattainable body image.

Outside of all the good there was one scene that I did not agree with and I am putting a picture up AS A SPOILER ALERT (stop reading here if you haven’t seen the movie)

Ok. Here it goes.

The scene where it is implied that she had sex with Mr. Trevor. I mean, she just went full on goddess-beast mode and took down the top of a church with her shield charge. He was not worthy. He knew it. the audience knew it. She had to have known it. I suspect they did it to further explain her connection with humans and why love was enough value to save mankind, and perhaps a woman may have viewed her losing her virginity (to the first man she met?!) as some sort of rite of passage or necessity to be more human – I just felt like it took away from the story instead of adding to it. But what do I know. Either way, it was a minor thing, and the only small gripe I had with it.

The irony here is that the movie actually had a real world effect on me. I struggle foundationally with the world and how humans are basically slaves to their jobs for the majority of their lives – many of which are just to survive. Ironically, I am a capitalist and make great money (and also pay well with many benefits for my teams) but consumerism as a purpose to live doesn’t jive with me. It’s okay for things to change, but I am a romantic at heart in one regard – there has to be more to life than work.  It doesn’t always feel that way and the structures and systems that keep the common person down are bigger and stronger than ever. At times, I wonder if it is even worth it – the insignificance of human life as part of the 7+ billion person ecosystem. I know people say the human connections make it worthwhile – and I see that in my son – as I have already sold myself on the idea that my new adventure is ensuring he gets to have better ones than I did, or ever will – but at the end of the day most of us will never be remembered and will not do anything of grand significance outside of the family we may have. And with society seemingly getting worse and more impersonal (and violent, and uncaring) it just feels like a shitty world to be a part of. This has been my struggle, and that of a general introvert made/makes it feel even more lonely sometimes. Sorry for the dose of sunshine here, just typing my thoughts as they come.

(Edit:  After re-reading that paragraph it was pretty ‘sad’, but not a cry for help. Just an emotional tangent.)

Wonder Woman, by the end of the movie, had given me a different perspective that maybe the small things are enough – and they really have to be –  but I didn’t really feel that way prior to the movie. When the three friends, out of bullets, and ready to die huddled around each other and hugged there was a certain beauty in it. One that made me think I could better translate that into my real life. It’s so strange to me that this movie actually had a noticeable positive impact  on my view of the world and my small part in it.

A superhero movie. Who would have thought it.

Not I.

13 Reasons Why

I do not watch a lot of TV. I find I get interested in some shows and find them really well done, and get engaged in early seasons. Eventually, and pretty much always, writers on the show change, TV studios realize they have a hit and do everything they can to stretch out what might have been a 3 year planned show into a 5-8 year planned show for commercial purposes. In TV the longer a show goes the more the show provides revenue – and more often, the lower quality it becomes.  It is rare that I am gripped by a TV show. I currently only watch one regularly, a comedy (New Girl) which will have it’s final season next year. Besides that I watch sports or documentaries. I prefer to be engaged in my entertainment which is why I play video games.

I started watching 13 Reasons Why on a rainy day after I read about the controversy. If you haven’t heard of it the premise is simple: a high school girl kills herself but before doing so records 13 tape recordings. Each tape is about a person who helped push her towards this decision. The tapes were meant to be listened to in order by the people she put on the tapes – so the first person to receive the tapes was meant to listen to all 13, and then pass on the tapes to the person on tape two, who would listen to them all and then pass them on to the tape three subject person, and so on, until all 13 people heard all 13 tapes. The show is told through the perspective of Clay, who has a tape, as he listens and explores what happened. I am not going to give plot spoilers here directly but will be talking about general themes about it, briefly.

Through the first seven episodes I found it interesting and worth continuing. It was fascinating to read about experts and schools tear the show apart for glorifying suicide when I watched it from two very different perspectives. One was that of a parent and the show did not hide the the many “signs” of a struggling youth. It did it in a very clever way, through Hannah’s tapes (who we know from the outset did end up committing suicide) but also through Clay’s behavior as the tapes and their content change him, his habits, and actions. The viewer knows Clay isn’t suicidal but to a parent much of how he is acting is similar to that of Hannah in several regards. Just for very different reasons. It was an obvious way to show that warning signs might not be true – or they might.

The second way I watched the show was through the lens of my own High School experiences. I didn’t quite fit in any group but jumped in several at any given time. I always felt like an outsider because of that but also managed to fit in “enough” with wherever I happened to be at that moment. I was a good hockey player, so I fit in with the “jocks”. I was on the school computer programming team ,so I fit in with the nerds. I had a whole separate group of friends that I played PnP RPGs with so I fit in with the geeks. I was a skateboarder, so I fit in the ska-loving half head shaved skater kids. I was a social chameleon that fit in everywhere and no where at the same time.

I was very lonely. I empathized with Clay and felt like I understood how he felt. I also understood the different dynamics in tribal actions and thinking in High School. They existed in my days there too.

13 Reasons Why resonated with me – too much. Episodes 8 through 13 became more and more difficult to watch. I cried. A lot. I think it was just a challenge to watch as I have struggled with my own mental health issues for most of my life alone and in silence. The combined pressure of living the show through the eyes of my high school self and the fears and trauma of watching it as a parent of an eleven year old who may face these struggles as well was just too much. For me. I haven’t had a show make me feel, well, anything in so long that when it was done, and I was trying to pull myself back together I just let myself… be. For a little bit. Then I started thinking about the whole experience.

The show is good, and well acted. There are some plot points and moments where you (might) shake your head but they are few and far between. It is very consistent and engaging. I believe it is a good show to watch, especially if you have kids, because they are watching it. It is very popular among the teen crowds. Watch and understand it so you can talk about it. I also think that despite warnings from schools and suicide groups that this may encourage people to commit suicide I believe that the more kids that watch it the better – because it shows how sometimes little, daily interactions can tear someone down piece by piece until they feel they have no other option. It also tackles far larger and more serious interactions. Maybe it will make kids try a bit harder to be positive and engage their peers, instead of doing some of the things in the show that we know are happening in our schools everyday. Maybe it will make people better understand the impact their actions can have on other human beings – both big and small actions. It should raise awareness of  signs when someone is struggling – and if people are aware then that is the first step to getting help.

When I heard they were doing a sequel, a second season, I did get angry. There isn’t a second book. The characters were all honored to the source material and everything was tied up nicely. The only reason to do a sequel is money. The producers realized they have built these characters and connections and have a great setting for another young adult show – a more depressing version of 90210 and feel that needs to be fully exploited. I do not understand why viewers are not allowed to use their imagination on what comes next to completely close off what is most likely going to happen. It’s bullshit and cheapens how I was made to feel throughout the series. It cannot be better, it cannot get better. It can only get worse. I have never been so disappointed in a television show (and sequel announcement).  I will not watch it as I fear it will ruin the whole experience for me.

As angry as I am about the sequel announcement I do recommend the series and thank it for forcing me to take a closer look at myself, and outward to my friends and community.

Aha Moment, Diversity

I have always been sympathetic to ‘liberal’ social causes. First, I am Canadian and we have a supportive society with a distinct world view. We are just friendly people, for the most part, to use the stereotype. Most of this came from attending a liberal arts university that back in the 90’s was considered ‘gay friendly’. That is a pretty progressive label to have back in the 90’s. I came from a rural town in Canada and while homosexuality was very foreign to me I was in such an accepting and open minded environment that I learned quickly how normal and natural it was. It was even cool, in our little circle of friends and spheres of influences. There was still hate, and bigotry (there always is), but there was also hope and acceptance. Turns out my favorite uncle ended up being gay and hid it until he was able to move away from hick-town and go somewhere where he could fall in love openly and get married. . I use the term ‘hick’ as a term of endearment here. Very small town folk we were/are.

My general viewpoint on equality is that I unequivocally support the exact definition of the word in all societal senses, labels and freedoms even though I am an outsider to many of them. Religious equality (I do not participate in organized religious constructs, but I am spiritual in my own way) Gender equality (Women should be equally empowered. I am a man). Sexual equality (Love whoever you do, openly and without harm. I am cisgender) Racial equality (Humans are humans! I am white). I am an outsider because I embody the privileged, middle class, white cisgender male that is the root cause of what ails the world today (if you read the news). I could only be worse if I was a christian as well, I suspect. This is not my fault – it was the way I was born and brought up, I did not have the choice in this. Please do not judge me based on who I am and my skin color.

As much as a good natured, open minded and progressive cisgender white male that I strive to be I cannot draw from experiences when it comes to racism, or sexism, or most ‘-isms including the own privilege I enjoy. I know it exists, but my cisgender white friends and families are also as afraid of the future as our more diverse friends and families. They are scared about good work and providing for their families. The world is changing in many ways and most of it not good for middle and below home incomes, regardless of what color of skin you are or how you self-identify sexually.  I think no one really feels safe anymore. Not even the rich, because we common folk are coming to get them. (This is part of how I think a guy like Donald Trump gets elected, but another story, and I try to keep this blog politics free).

I try not to get on heavy topics here. I don’t write particularly well enough to ensure I am getting across what I am feeling so typically leave this space to  my gaming whims and child-like hobbies. Still, I do have a point coming up. And that point is that I finally had a moment where I understood how visible minorities have felt for some time about representation in games. Because it happened to me – finally.  The difference is that when I felt it it wasn’t a reflection of the struggles I have had in my real life, or a disappointing  ‘yet another time” I was made to feel small, or an outsider. It was an “A-ha!” moment. One of small triumph. Because I finally had what felt like a more honest and true understanding of the movement for more diversity in games that I have already supported in thought only. It was nice to be able to draw a direct experience to how that made me feel – so I could, for an instant,  and on a very safe level- have a small glimpse of understanding.

I am going to be clear here that I do not think it was wrong, and for me that didn’t matter – it was just a moment of realization and understanding. And because it is such a sensitive topic in general, as you can tell, I am really trying to be clear and cautious about how I present this, because I am petrified to have it come across the wrong way. One more table to set before sharing.

People who read here often understand by now that I am a terrible roleplayer. I do not roleplay. When I am engaged in a game (with a story for the most part) I insert myself into the story. I am not playing as Scott Ryder, I am a my real life counterpart, thrust into the situation by whatever backstory/justification I could think of. When I insert my present-day self into my games I find I can more deeply be moved by them and feel more closely to what is happening to my characters – because it is happening to me.

With that, and the rest of what I have written, in mind, Prey.

Screenshot Credit: The Verge (https://www.theverge.com/2017/2/15/14622050/prey-bethesda-softworks-arkane-studios-science-fiction-game-preview)

Having protagonists with clear Asian decent is progressive, right? I am unsure of how many First Person Shooter games that have. My immediate thought was “this was different – good for them!” and then I wondered how it would be accepted by the gaming community. And then it hit me:

“They don’t represent me. I don’t feel connected to those characters visually.”

That’s the AHA moment, as silly as it is. Those four words (They don’t represent me), probably felt by millions of non-white gamers over decades of being forced to play as white, male characters as the norm and I felt it for my first time. I haven’t even played the game and I doubt that racial selection of the Prey protagonist has any sort of real impact on the game either, but there is the realization that I understand it just a little bit more.

Funny to note I was afraid to write this post – silly, right? I spend so much time reading things on the internet that I felt that just presenting this thought could have negative consequences in this friendly little gaming space. Would people think I am racist because I feel those characters don’t represent me? Would they attack some of the phrases or words that I used? I don’t have much hope for the internet, of course. I do know that I am not perfect and am just a human being, trying to be cool to all other human beings, and learn and get better along the way.

I understand that people who are good at roleplaying might not understand this line of thought and relish the opportunity to be different people, sexes, aliens, etc. Any tips on how to build that comfort? I feel like I am missing out on huge opportunities. Even when I played PnP games in the good old days I stuck to male humans. Boring AF.

Rescue Time

In my last post I talked about how Tuesdays were a fun day in Azeroth, and made some claims about my play time. Prior to that thought I had already installed “Rescue Time” on my laptop which logs all of your activities while actively using your laptop. I assumed that doing everything I had planned listed would take me around 10 hours a week. I was pretty close!

Yes there is no Sunday or Monday (which is because it wasn’t installed  at the time  and funny to see how big Tuesday is for me in game. The rest of the week it seems I spend between an hour to an hour and a half per day, which would but my weekly time (last week, anyway) at closer to 11.5 hours. I will also run it this week to have a look to see how accurate my guesstimate was.

As for the program that tracks this itself – it is free. It breaks down your productivity and gives you visibility on where you are spending your time while on your device. You can also install it on multiple devices to get your full aggregate. Think you check Instagram just a few minutes a day? This will break it down for you exactly. It doesn’t seem to measure idle time, so a program in the background that is not being worked on / read / used doesn’t count (I tested a few things to see. multiple windows in the background, Excel, Tableau, etc to gauge how it measures.)

They assure your privacy, whatever that means this day! (FBI if you are reading this, this is my gaming computer *mostly*, I promise I do more work on the other one!) Pretty big eye opener on where I spend my time on the computer – a few minutes checking something here and there adds up. It even tracks how much time you spend on websites. Outside of my post on Monday, I only spent 16 minutes 44 seconds on my own site the rest of the week. Mostly because I use it as a launching pad on my blog-roll updater to read my favourite posters when they write something new.

Oh, and not because it would affect you, but because you are probably just curious, for you know, your cousin or something…. by default it does not track anything on adult websites. Again, so I hear… I don’t even know what those are anyway. It was mentioned in some sort of pop-up window/option.  Figured you might want to know.

Happy Endings

I enjoy the TV show “The Walking Dead”. I wouldn’t call myself a giant fan but I watch every season. I tend to watch the season a season behind (I just started season 6, season 7 is underway) and it is a weird place of enjoyment-but-not-quite-fandom. I have a vested interest in seeing what happens to the original crew of the show.

I say that deliberately – the original crew. Season one of The Walking Dead was some of the best TV I have ever enjoyed. Season two was great, season three was good, and now the series is in what seems like maintenance mode – things are happening that are consistent with a zombie apocalypse and some of the events even follow the comic books (loosely and somewhat) but the show is just not dynamite. This is bound to happen when my main tie and motivation for the show is around the people and in earlier years they did a better job of developing them.

This show kills off recurring characters weekly and main characters annually, for the most part. Now in season six there really are only four characters that I care greatly for – Rick, Maggie, Glenn and Carol. I also, to a lesser extent, tend to care about Carl and Michonne.  Other characters have come, been killed / eaten, and gone – but their introduction and story lines just didn’t leave a lasting impression. I have no clue how long they plan on running this series but I do kind of have my own time set when to stop watching, when those characters are no longer a part of it.

I tend to struggle with long term TV shows as it seems the first couple of seasons are done exceptionally, and then people recognize that there is great money to be made so things adjust to profit. I don’t mind (and appreciate!) that they can drive profit from their art and work but I am unsure if the quality is really lowering or if it is just my personal experience. Take the series LOST, for example. That is a perfect example of an exciting and intriguing first year. After that it was pretty clear that they stopped moving the plot forward and focused on introducing new characters only to give them an episode to explore their backstory. I am not even cynical but that is my lasting impression of the show – “How do we stretch this out”, instead of “how do we explore a great plot”. I know that series lasted several years – perhaps others have far more patience than I do, or found something in it I couldn’t

I am not a big TV fan to begin with because it is just so passive. I don’t mind watching sports on TV but otherwise I am far happier with a laptop out and reading, or playing a game – even if the TV is on in the background.

Back to The Walking Dead – there is no possibility for a happy ending. The world explored becomes worse and worse and with less hope. The entire population is infected and there is no hope for a cure. It is a show to watch to explore the human condition when hope is at a premium.  I still watch because I want to see how far the people I like make it. When their future / ending is decided and I can finally turn off the program for good is when my happy ending will be with the show.

Real Hot Mess

I’m struggling finding fun in gaming right now.

It is definitely not for a lack of trying, I have been buying games like crazy and giving them a good chance to hook me. I even made blog posts about it, to try and drum up some momentum to get into a game or two and strengthen that tie and enjoyment with some good old fashioned blog posts. It’s just not happening. I have been abandoning games at an alarming rate this year and am just not finding that groove. I am completely jealous and envious with Bhagpuss who continues to find enjoyment in the same spaces and am struggling with a hobby I am not getting enjoyment from and missing terribly at the same time. As you can probably tell, the quality and frequency of my blog posts has also deteriorated. The struggle is real.

Looking back at my 2016 to date and my positive gaming time:

  • Destiny (Heavy time): I was on a nice schedule of an hour a day. I have all 3 classes at top level (not top gear, since I do not raid) and since the content has dried up I stopped playing. There are expansions on the  horizon (and sequels!) and that is something to look forward to.
  • EQ Progression Servers(Heavy Time): I shot myself in the foot here as I did three characters to level 30 (and had so much fun doing it) but took a step back when I heard they were launching a no-box server. When that server finally launched, I had a hard time chewing through the first 10 levels for a fourth time. Daybreak also nerfed quest XP and XP gains in general, so it was extra painful (even with XP bought potions.) I couldn’t get a good start again and the servers I had abandoned were leveling ghost towns (all end game).
  • Pillars of Eternity (Completed): A good RPG but I admit that near the end I was rushing to finish, not explore.
  • X-COM 2 (Completed): Fun game, but hard to pick up DLC when you already saved the planet!
  • March of the Living Dead (completed with one character): Really enjoyed this title but like many indie experiences, there wasn’t much reason to replay through as the encounters became familiar and repeated.
  • Portal Knights (ongoing, its gaming time with my 11  year old. Infrequent but checks a lot of good boxes)
  • ….is that it? Really?

That is a lot of single player experiences outside of EQ. Sure, Destiny is online but not a chat/social platform at this stage (unless you include pointing and dancing.) Looking back at 2016 to date with my stops / starts:

  • The Division (40% done): I grabbed this for the PS4 (and also received a free copy with my new laptop) and finished half of the main storyline (which was intriguing enough
  • Fallout 4 (60% done): I’m not sure when or why I stopped playing F4. I remember actively enjoying it and then… done. Not sure when or why that changed.
  • Landmark (toe dip)
  • Rimworld (three solid days, and lost interest)

I have even started reloading MMOs on my gaming drive “just in case”. Last time I checked I had EQ2 (highest level 18) ready to go, EQ (highest level 55), TSW, (in Egypt), SWTOR (level 22) And just this weekend, WildStar.

WildStar is my new “give it a go”. I did something in WildStar I never do (play the “bad” side) and this weekend was a blast as I worked on weakening a local tribe that was capable of building very powerful weapons, which made the Dominion nervous. They do not want any new, strong enemies. The action combat does wear on me (I read an article where it was changed from tab targeting half way through development – bad move!) but the stories are fun. I do want to get a max level for the story aspect – both sides. This is another MMO that for me would be better as a single player game – although, I do like some of the early dungeons when the queues used to pop. I just wish WildStar took itself a bit more seriously, there would be a great story there if there was less joking around and less 4th wall breaking. I think it could prove a worthy distraction. With quarterly revenues up, but low (2M USD equivalent) I’m afraid the game may go away before I get a chance to learn more about the planet.

I am struggling with WoW as a tempting revisit. I didn’t play a single level in Warlords (I did buy it at 75% off) but my pocket cleric from EQ Testserver (Candarie) messaged me – “Come tank for me B (Braack). Just like old times.” Candarie is still a full time gamer and I am now on the other end of the spectrum. A few hours a week is lucky for me, which makes commitment to anything in gaming worlds hard to do. For the first time in my life I feel like a big hot mess in gaming. I miss it, I wish I could make more time for it in my life, but something else would have to give. I am not quite ready to sacrifice my wife, family, work, or health.

Yet.

New Rig

Pulled off an amazing “need case” at work for this sweet, sweet mobile gaming (and computing) powerhouse:

Delicious and Nutritious?

So far it has been wonderful, except for the fact that  the case is warped. In certain situations it moves corner to corner when typing and that is incredibly annoying. Gaming wise it has performed as expected, but those dual fans really kick up a lot of noise to keep it cool while under load.

I also dislike the keyboard lighting. For me so far it seems to make the keys look “fuzzy”, if that makes sense as a descriptor. I am curious if when they send the replacement (which they are) if the warped casing has anything to do with that, and also distracting when not a single, pale colour. Maybe my eyes are going in my old age. Who wants rainbow lighting moving around your keyboard anyway? And why won’t those kids get off my lawn *shakes fist*.

It seems to run EQ just fine, at least. (yes: obvious sarcasm)

Sure, I understand you can get 2x the desktop rig for the same price but I don’t need to be on the bleeding edge and I like being able to game in different parts of my house, and also on the road (which I travel for work). So it is a win win. Plus, the IT department knows I put a lot of visual and computation strain on my computers with the various data-sets I run and this will mean less time alt tabbing and waiting for a result and more time sending results. So far so good. I can think of a couple other excuses – subtle ‘nods’ from gamers when they see the snake logo light up in a business meeting and all the nerd-cred that goes along with that, things of that nature. I think I might be cool again. Is the word ‘cool’ making a comeback?

I used to lug around old Asus laptop gaming machines with 17 inch monitors and 8-10 lbs of glory so this has been a really nice, thin change.

Spring Cleaning – Old Post Drafts #2

Continuing my Spring Cleaning project – here is my second post as I go through my drafts folder and decide to keep (and finish) old post thoughts or delete them away. The first post in this series is here.

“I Don’t Use Steam Much Anymore” (8/7/2014)

Steam is that ultra convenient platform that I have had some bad experiences with. I go swathes of time without updating the service. This particular post outline had four bullet points and nothing more. They were:

  1. It doesn’t know my birthday – this always drives me crazy about Steam when I want to watch a video game video. It has my credit card information on file, that’s great for when I buy games, but god forbid it knows my birthday and allows me to watch any video that my birthday qualifies me for without having to re-input it. A basic quality of life change (that probably shouldn’t bother me as much as it does, but it does. Just one of those things.)
  2. They suck to deal with – I still recall the worst purchase experience of my life when I bought a game for $19.99 on one day, and it went 90% off the next day ($1.99) and Steam refused to credit me the difference. I didn’t even want money back, just a credit, and I’ll go buy another game with it (that would have cost more than $18). They refused. No other retailer would get away with that.
  3. It’s a race to the bottom pricing event – that does not build loyalty. Steam is to gaming as Subway is to food. It’s convenient. It’s always there. They both just charge cheaper and cheaper and give it away, and not necessarily getting better at it or making a product that is good for you.
  4. F@ck me. (yes, it said that. I have no clue what that means, or what kind of day I was having in August 2014, but that was my moment of clarity – so it seems.)

Outcome: Delete due to being same old same old. Steam will be that platform I’ll never reconcile with due to the past and what I feel it does to the market, but I also know I am in an extreme minority in that viewpoint. I will still use it when I see a good deal or feel like I have to, but I will never be a big fan.

“Payment Models – Analogies” (8/8/2014)

This post has been done to death and keeps coming around. The constant “what is best” (B2P, F2P, Subscription, Early Access, etc. etc.). I tried to simplify things by using analogies but some of them weren’t that great and the clarity and end to this debate we are all seeking to find was not going to be found in here anyway. I used a concert as B2P, a street performer as F2P, and social assistance / welfare for Subscription. All decent ones but analogies are so imperfect because they aren’t the actual things you are talking about. I think by now people just have their own personal comfort zones on each and no amount of debate of analogies (good or bad) will change that.

Outcome: Delete due to dead horse kicking. As much fun as that is.

“Half Full” (4/4/2014)

Check out these awesome notes on this post, in their full entirety (including punctuation and capitalization)

COol story – half full, half empty HAS BEER

Syp, Syl

Attitude of bloggers

I feel whiny

That’s it. I literally had to look at this for a while and think “WTF was I talking about…” and after thinking through it came to the clear and obvious conclusion that bloggers like Syp and Syl are just positive all around, half full kind of people. I love their “tone” of blogging.They can make their points clearly in a non-whining or condescending manner. I like that. Sometimes when I post ranty I feel/worry that I am just coming across like a whiny baby. Maybe that is due to people just generally being harder on themselves (by people, I mean me) but I am unsure – DO I come across whiny? I don’t even have a full grasp on my own blog’s “tone”. I think that is because I write in whatever kind of mood I am in at the time.Constructive criticism, not fishing for anything but the truth!

Many bloggers have their own tone – everyone knows Syncaine’s, etc. The good news is, regardless, that I mentioned beer in a post. I need more posts with beer. Outcome: Delete. And drink a beer.

“Is it September Already” (8/30/2014)

Well, according to that draft date, no. No it isn’t Isey.

The notes for this post were another piece of inspirational magic.

August Review

Stop me if you have heard this one before. A blogger that does a full and comprehensive month end review, what an amazing idea! Maybe I should do that!

Sarcasm aside, I love TAGN’s monthly review posts but he has the chops, pedigree, and consistency to make those posts awesome and fun to read. It’s a short history trip every month about his blog but also for gaming in general with the 5/10 year look backs. I was definitely inspired by him to think about doing a post like that and especially because it was on the heels of Blaugust (which I completed) so I actually had a lot to review for a change. It never did happen, of course. Also, like the late night cram the day before exams, I clearly wasn’t willing to put the necessary work in. He can keep that all to himself, quite safely. Outcome: Delete due to way too much work to do and now irrelevant.

“Swap Free to Play” (8/31/2014)

Look, I know I had a ton of posts started in August and very few of them fleshed out. This was mostly because of the daily Blaugust event you had to always be thinking of ideas to post about. I did, at least. I really enjoyed the event and it  fired me back up to blogging – if even just as a therapeutic method of getting through a long end of summer. Every once in a while I get completely inspired to try something new. There are so many creative people out in the interwebs and Blognation doing awesome parodies and videos and songs. I have no talent like that. I was an inspiring young rapper back in my white privileged middle class upbringing in small town Canada, so I do fancy myself a lyricist. I once linked (probably all dead links now) a bunch of video game related things to the lyrics of “Don’t Believe the Hype” by my all time favourite band Public Enemy (I am not even kidding. Chuck D was a visionary.) I am almost embarrassed that I desecrated that revolutionary track lyrics that way.

Again, a lot of thought put into this Blaugust draft.

Heyyy, hooy

Hip hop hooray song

Unlike others where I can claim the 5th (can Canadians do that?) and faux confusion about what the hell was I thinking, I do remember this one clearly. It was the beginning of a rap parody of Naughty By Nature’s “Hip Hop Hooray”. Which you should 100% know, but just in case:

So the basis of the parody was taking the lyrics and turning into how a poorly planned MMO launch would have to “Swap Free to Play, hoooo, heyyy, hoooo” Here is a snippet of the original:

You drew a picture of my morning
But you couldn’t make my day, Hey!
I’m rockin’ and you’re yawning
But you never look my way, Hey!
I’m lickin down you darlin’
In every single way, Hey!
Your funny flow is foreign
And a green card’s on the way!

to the video game themed

You spent 100 million

But you couldn’t make me pay, Hey!

Your built another wow clone

It plays exactly the same way, Hey!

You had 200 programmers cramming

And tomorrow is payday, Hey!

Your bank account is empty

There is no other way!

 

Swap Free to Play, heeey hooo heeeyy hooooo

Now picture a bunch of nerds in the video above jamming to that. Outcome: Deleting to save the world from that disaster.

I feel like deleting these old drafts instead of bringing them to fruition is some sort of public service.

Blognation, you are welcome.

Spam Posts as a Measure of Popularity

All of my spam posts caught in my Askimet filter are about two games right now, split pretty much right down the middle.

Blade and Soul and Runescape.

Most of them are  about selling gold in those two games.

What does this mean? Is there really that big of a market for gold in either that it’s worth spamming about? Or is my blog specifically targeted to those two games because of things I post? (nothing about either, ever, that I recall)

Perhaps they are telling me that is where I need to be, or they are measuring some quality of those titles against my writing.

Outlook is bleak.

At least the Russians stopped harassing me.

 

Birthdays and Forums

My birthday was yesterday!

I was reminded of such while driving home from a hockey game at 12:04 am by 2K forums. While I was appreciative of the well wishes I did have to chuckle a bit. The last time I posted or visited those forums was in 2008.

We at 2K Forums would like to wish you a happy birthday today!

Thank you 2K Forums. I did only sign up there to deal with a game breaking issue for me with Bioshock. Still, it’s the thought that counts! A good opportunity here would have been to say “we haven’t seen you in a long time, maybe some of these posts will interest you?”, or even “here is $10 off one of our games at Steam in celebration!”. A little silly to send me a one-liner during a marketing opportunity.

They weren’t the only ones – thank you Dungeon and Dragons Online!

We at Dungeons & Dragons Online Forums would like to wish you a happy birthday today!

Wait.. that looks awfully familiar. Are they sharing boards? Maybe using the same software? Aren’t you free to play now – why not give me a message to entice me to maybe download and try the game out again! Maybe some free currency to get me started! (I did really enjoy it at beta test and launch.) I don’t think I have played since then either.

Not to be outdone, a game that I played more than the others (and have tried to promote on this site often, even though I haven’t played in a while) was the good folks at the Project Reality Forums.

We at Project Reality Forums would like to wish you a happy birthday today!

I don’t remember the last time I posted there either, it has been so long. Although I did re-download the game recently. That message (besides being identical to the other two) could have been so much better with a “check out our latest patch / video / update” message as well.

Finally, I did get one from a board I have checked recently!

Happy Birthday from your friends at Cruisers Forum; we wish you all the best in the year to come.
May your boat be leak free.
May your sails be in good repair.
May the winds be fair, the weather kind and
May your days be filled with the exquisite pleasure of new adventures, fabulous destinations and excellent friendship.

Happy Birthday!

If they were selling anything, I’d probably buy it. Look, a modicum of effort was given. It probably took them 5 minutes to set that up. I have been toying with the idea of buying a sailboat so have been reading a lot there to understand what I would be getting myself into.

If a general interest forum can do that, companies that live or die off of sales probably could too. The constant reminder that for digitally native companies they leave a lot to be desired in terms of customer engagement. These are easy misses, low hanging fruit, and entry level marketing think.

My other takeaway here is how few forums I actually sign up for now (well, since 2008, apparently) since most information is more readily available elsewhere. Also, that a whole slew of other forums didn’t bother to wish me a happy birthday – probably because they sorted that I stopped visiting there at some point. In 2009 when I brought this up I had received birthday wishes from Pirates of the Burning Seas and Warhammer Online as well – but they have a fair excuse for missing it this year (and all years upcoming!)

Worst Enemies and Lists

Happy New Year!

I have been playing my same old boring games, but feel compelled to update briefly. This post is composed of two subject matters, and two lists!

Gaming List

  1. Fallout 4: I am 45 hours in and just went back to the main story line. I just did the Glowing Sea, as a point of reference for those who have finished the main story arc (I have no clue if that makes me close or far away..). It is so easy to get sidetracked in that game and I absolutely love exploring and following breadcrumbs. Still, that makes me feel like a terrible father as I do have an abducted son out there somewhere I should go find. Oh look! Meat sacks! What could possibly be in THAT building?
  2. EQ TLP: Cabby my Wizard is level 8 now and done Orc Hill, and about to enter Crushbone. I love the zen of grind in EQ. I still think I am going to unsubscribe for a bit. I hate feeling like I am not getting time in to justify a subscription, so it is one of those titles where I may sub for a month, take one off, go back, etc.
  3. WoW. Yes, WoW. 75% off Draenor made me buy that, but I haven’t resubbed. Add to that I actually had a good experience with a CSR from Blizzard (shocker!) and received 7 days free time. My wife goes away on a business trip next Tuesday which gives me 4 uninterrupted nights of gaming. I am going to go back to WoW to play in WoD. No clue who I am taking through, probably my Paladin so I can tank 5 mans. If 5 mans are still a thing. I wish Shaman were tanks..

Lifestyle List

Continuing with my “I has health” theme I am going to caution you on who will become your worst enemies if you decide to go down the path of living a healthier lifestyle. This list may be a little sad. This is in order from not so bad to absolute worse. Without further ado – my ‘Worst Enemies” list, from personal experience.

  1. Your friends. We all have them, those really fun, awesome friends. One of mine, who likes to drink 10+ beer a night on weekends is constantly and incessantly harassing me for only drinking three or four a night with him over the same time period. Three or four is actually a lot. I have learned self control. I like beer. I like friends. I just don’t feel the need to get out of control, completely plastered, and make an ass out of myself (and feel equally as terrible the next day.) Oh, I still have my benders – but I pick and choose those nights. I don’t want to do them regularly. Really special occasions, etc. You will have people who don’t want to change their lifestyle pick on you for changing yours. The answer to them: ” I don’t judge you for your lifestyle, don’t judge me for mine. We’re friends. I support that you like to cut loose. Support me that I want to tighten it up.” Worst case scenario: you make new friends that align more with your values. It shouldn’t have to come to this, and if it does, it is on them, not you.
  2. Your spouse/significant other. If you already have one, and they are comfortable with you and your life. I have had my wife (of all people) tell me she now finds me unattractive. I am too skinny. I care too much about what I eat (I drink wine and eat peanut butter cups daily!). I get up too early (and workout, then take the dogs out, then make breakfast for everyone, and lunch for school for my son, and coffee for her, all before she steps out of bed 2.5 hours later than me). Sounds like a pretty good deal. Still, to be fair, she has gained weight while I lost it – so she is probably trying to tear me down instead of build herself up because she isn’t happy with herself. You may face the same obstacle. The answer to them: “Let’s do this together. Just try a couple times a week with me. Start slow and see if you like it”. Worst case scenario: it is actually kind of scary to think that you have to choose between improving your personal health and lifestyle and someone you love. Divorce isn’t something that anyone wants to explore so you really need to find common ground. Just don’t sacrifice a long and healthy life to keep that.
  3. Yourself. Probably not a big surprise, but you are the one person who can most easily and efficiently stop you on your own journey. That is a sad truth. As Henry David Thorough once said “Public opinion is a weak tyrant compared with our own private opinion. what a man thinks of himself, that it is which determines, or rather indicates, his fate.” Scary stuff to face against – yourself. The answer to you: “I will do my best and take small steps to get to the long term goal I want. I want to live a long and rewarding life. I choose to own my health and wellness.” Worst case scenario: You fall down and fail. Often. The best part is, you control whether you get back up or not.

The good news of all of this is that it gets easier. It really does. The negative voices get quieter as you surround yourself with people that now understand, or new people. Your body gets less sore with each effort. You get into a routine where being active is just as normal as eating and breathing. You just have to start and not give up.

Day One is Tomorrow

I last posted about how I am going to post more about my personal health journey and things I learned that worked for me. This is very fitting being New Years Eve today, with a whole host of resolutions to be made by a big chunk of the world to start tomorrow!

And most of them fail.

That is because a lot of the goals aren’t realistic, and besides, people don’t really want to do them, they just know that they should. When I was a smoker I tried quitting a dozen times. The first 11 I didn’t even really want to quit, but I knew that I should. So I’d say I was quitting, make it anywhere from a day to a month, and then do what I really wanted to do. I really wanted to smoke. It wasn’t until I truly wanted to quit smoking that I did – and deep down I knew it was time, and I was looking forward to stopping. I quit and never lit up again. I don’t even remember being a smoker now.

That is what happens during resolutions. People say what they think they want, or what they think other people want for them, and make that a goal. If you don’t feel it deep down in your core that you truly want to do something or make that change then don’t say that you will. Be honest with yourself.

All that being said, if you want to make healthy changes, here are my three  simplest tips:

  1. Start tomorrow. The next day is always Day One. You don’t need to plan for a year from now. You can set a longer term goal, sure, but really, just set a goal for the next day. That way when you slip up and “fail” a day (which you eventually will!) you just reset and go the next day. Some days I would wake up and plan on working out but didn’t have it in me and I would play video games instead. You have to let yourself have the room to enjoy the things you love, but don’t use them as an excuse to skip your goals.
  2. Wake up early. Even those times when I meant to work out and didn’t, I still got out of bed. I know that can be hard for a lot of late night gamers but I started waking up at 6am, then 5:30, and now 5:00 – and I still go to bed at the same time. When you are healthier you sleep better. I get 6.5 hours a night and it feels like I get 9 hours that I used to take. When the rest of the world is asleep your time is yours. No kids, no spouse, no work. That is your time to rise and shine.
  3. It’s the journey not the destination. You read about these huge changes that happen “overnight” but those are often years of dedication. Don’t get caught up in the end goal, get focused on the next day, Day One.

I am going to post by “before” and “after”. I didn’t take a proper before (honestly, I didn’t feel good enough to!) and before I do, I want to make one thing clear: I am a bit uncomfortable posting this (I always have been in my own skin) but also this is not to be vain or “look at me” – but it is just to show what small steps lead to. Besides, I don’t even care about how my body looks now – what I do care about is how I feel about myself now.

On the left I was 38, 230 lbs, smoked a pack a day. I did some sports like Hockey, but I’d play for an hour and then drink 4 beer and eat 2 pounds of chicken wings. (I still play hockey, and I still drink beer after the game.) On the left, I was incredibly unhappy with almost everything in my life. I was borderline depressed. I smoked first thing when I got up and last thing when I went to bed. I wasn’t attentive to my child. I was unhappy and self absorbed. I ate out a lot.

On the right, just a month ago, I am 41 and 180 pounds. I don’t smoke. I still love wine with dinner and beer with friends, but I eat better. I love cooking and make sure I have leftovers that I can take for lunch the next day to work so I don’t eat out. I eat healthy but delicious food. I actually like Broccoli.

The left to right transformation wasn’t overnight, it took three years, and I took small steps along the way.

First step (year one)  was to work on my diet and try to be more active. Just 2-3 times per week. That’s it. At that you aren’t going to see any big changes anytime soon and that isn’t the point – the point is to create new habits. Go out for an hour walk, get on a treadmill, elliptical, etc. Just make sure you start moving more often every week. Start finding good foods to eat that you like and cook with less butter and salt (less, not none!). Make small steps.

Second step (year two) was to increase the intensity and frequency of my workouts. Instead of cardio, I started doing HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training) such as Insanity, etc. They lasted 45 minutes and I could barely finish them, but I did the best I could. I also started doing some weights (what I felt I could handle). I still had a sweet tooth but didn’t deny myself anything – I just made sure I balanced it with good workouts.

Third step (last 12 months), where I am at today, is a 5 day a week 45 minutes per day mid to heavy compound exercise routine, with hockey 2x a week (on top of it) AND I do cardio a couple times a week if I feel like it. Always under an hour. It doesn’t feel like work it is complete ME time. I get up at 5:00 am, have a coffee and read news, etc. until 5:30, and then work out until 6:30 – and my family doesn’t get up until 7:00 – 7:15. By then I have breakfast ready for everyone, lunches packed for school, dogs fed and taken out.

And I feel amazing.

My outlook on life has changed. I eat what I want when I want, including sweets and eating out, but I balance that with being active and eating healthy foods (that I now LOVE! – I never thought I could eat broccoli. now it is one of my favourites. It took a lot of time to get there.)

At times, especially end of year one and into year two I would get frustrated. I didn’t feel great. I didn’t look different. It took me a while to change my perspective that I’d have abs and pecs after light workouts and cardio. I’d beat up on myself when I became lazy or skipped workouts. I had the wrong perspective. I am really glad I stuck with it because at some point my perspective about everything changed and I realized I was doing this to be healthy, live a longer, more fulfilling life, and be happier – not to look like a fitness model. After that things became a lot easier. Getting up was easier. It became fun. It became routine, and once it was routine it became easy.

It took three years. You won’t change overnight and you won’t change on a resolution – but I promise you if start taking small steps you can get to where you want to be.

Day One is tomorrow.

I Has Happy Holidays!

Hi Everyone.

Just a quick note – I am on a beach right now not thinking about blogging, but spending time with my family and thinking about the world. There is so much unrealized potential and I hope as a global community we start treating each other the way we need to.  I wish nothing but the absolute best to you and your family, and I say that with the utmost sincerity. Lets all focus on being better people, and better to those around us. That small initiative will spread quite far and wide if everyone just treated everyone within ten feet of them with the respect and dignity human beings deserve.

Cheers my friends, both old and yet to be. May the upcoming year be the one step of many.

You don’t have to wear a cape to be somebody’s hero.

As Always,

Isey (Chris)

I HAS PC, Life and Interwebs

Where to Fit(bit) In!

Blogging has been a struggle as of late – I am playing four games, four of which are “out of date”, and I am plodding along at my own pace within them. I am not discovering anything new about these games (or myself playing them) and all of that adds up to the deeper questions of “where do I fit in” and “can I produce anything worth reading” in and for Blognation. High School all over again! Thankfully now that I am in my 40’s I do not have the care or worry about what other people think of me, because you get to that point in your life where you just realize you are what you are and you have what you have. This goes to most things physical, emotional, and spiritual at this stage. Perhaps that realization is enough to share and the young whipper snappers can appreciate that! Although there are far more persons with far more wise views on life in general, and as already mentioned, I am at peace with that.

Should I write about my EQ Wizard grinding CB again (for joy and levels), my level 16 max-charisma persona in Fallout 4 saving the wasteland (one cleared out building at a time), my new Ranger in Pillars of Eternity sorting out what it is he needs to sort out, or my Sword/Fist Templar plodding through Egypt in TSW? This is where my foreseeable gaming is taking me – I am enjoying each in the bite sizes I have and do not feel the need to venture into anything new. I am more likely to go in the other direction and go to older titles that are sitting installed.  This makes me a pretty terrible gaming commentator (writing style, grammar, and other generalities aside!) although I have still been poking my nose into other blogs to comment here and there. I love consuming community generated content.

So I am venturing into some newer territory and will be trying some posts on the ‘Life’ part of the tagline of the blog (‘Life and Interwebs’) and talk about things I have learned about health. Not just physical health, but mental and emotional as well. Oh, I’ll tie it into gaming where I can and where it makes sense, but Arywen noted once that gamers typically (or stereotypically?) tend to use their spare time to game instead of eating healthy and/or using their time to exercise. I am in the food industry (healthier for you fast casual) and have made health important in my life. Not above all else, but it is there as part of my life balance. And it wasn’t always that way.

in 2013 I was 230 pounds and smoked a pack a day. I loved smoking. I smoked the first thing when I woke up, and last thing before I went to bed. I was active in some sports (baseball and hockey) but those were largely leagues based around “beer” and camaraderie. Skate for an hour and then drink 4-6 beer and eat 2 lbs of chicken wings. The activities after the athletics not only completely negated the activity itself, but probably everything active for the entire day. I didn’t sleep well, I didn’t manage stress well, I didn’t eat well, and although I was a generally pleasant person to be around, I wasn’t really happy. I had a great job. I had a great kid. My wife and I weren’t really connected but we had a good life together. Things just fit out of balance.

Fast forward to today and I do an activity nearly every single day. I get up at 5:00am and exercise before the rest of my family gets up. I cook everyday, and make food that tastes amazing AND is healthy too. I am going to share a lot of my journey with you here, in bits and pieces and what I feel is relevant. Maybe it will inspire you to make small, positive changes in your life. Maybe you don’t care and are already completely happy with where you are in your life. I promise nothing here but to share my honesty on what I do and who I am, and how I feel it has benefited me. I am in the best place in my life, for the most part, and it has had a positive outlook on my stress, my relationships, my work, my free time, and overall, my outlook on life. I will share mindsets, workouts, heck, even recipes! Plus whatever good habits I think I have developed that are worth sharing. The main starting point is that it has been a long journey, I am far from perfect, but focus on it every day and feel like I moving in the right direction. I am not not a doctor or professional trainer, so take any advice through that lens.

Starting small here, and tying it back to the title, I bought a Fitbit. Not just for myself, but for my entire corporate team (45 of them). “Gamifying” health is one easy way to get gamers started. Fitbit has a clear set of daily goals (that you can set for your own pace) that is in simple format, and covers all aspects of basic health. Number of steps, glasses of water, calories burned, hours of sleep, number of floors climbed, daily activity minutes, and miles walked. It is on your phone or on a webpage and is just a constant, small reminder of some small but important things you should be doing everyday. The fun part has also been tracking how things I do affect my body. Here, for example, is one night when I played hockey (complete with a picture of me playing hockey, which Fitbit doesn’t do)

Now I am pretty sure the Fitbit slid over my taped wrist at that big drop off, but other than that is neat to see. Generating interest is part of generating habits – you get interested in a game and you play. So, as a motivator, the Fitbit has been a hit. Same for the team – you see people challenging each other and pushing each other to be more active. It has been fun to see. It will be even more interesting to see how long that effect lasts. I’ll still talk about gaming that feels right to talk about, and this isn’t a wholesale change in blog format or anything – just a newer focus I am going to play on some posts with in the new year. I have a vacation coming up (hot, island, far south!) but it will be fun to step into this just in time for everyone’s resolutions in the new year.

Santa Isn’t Real

Well, the cat is out of the bag.

Oh, not for me. I knew about that a long time ago. Give me some credit.

My 10 year old asked the big question last night as we were getting him ready for bed. He is in a grade 5/6 split class (due to Ontario regulations on class sizes it’s a weird setup this year – there are 4 split classes) and some of the grade 6 kids were letting other, younger kids in on the ‘scam’. I knew this question was coming eventually and had prepared myself somewhat for it. Instantly, after the question, I wanted to draw from my own experiences – how did I feel when i found out for the first time, and I couldn’t recall it at all. I have either completely suppressed the experience and it could/will come out in some devious personality quirk and/or moment of high stress and/or weakness, or it really wasn’t that eventful to me to begin with. I am hoping for the latter.

The conversation went pretty smooth. (using a lot of Sons and Dads in the language to clearly outline who is talking. We don’t talk to each other that way normally, just illustrative purposes!)

“Dad, is Santa real?”

“No, he isn’t.”

<cue tears bursting out>

“Son, its okay. I know this is hard to understand.” <hugs and fatherly comfort>

“Dad, I just feel so stupid. I used to get so excited when I got a Santa gift. It meant I was good to people and things and now I just feel so dumb”

“Son, it is important to realize the spirit of Christmas and why we do that to begin with. Maybe in the old days there really was a man who made and gave gifts out to all the good little kids, but what is important to live on is that we need to be good to one another, take care of your family, and appreciate each other. That is what the spirit of Santa is all about. And now that you know that.”

“Dad – you are telling me you would buy yourself gifts from Santa too, why would you do that?”

“It was to ensure you believed that Mom and Dad were good too.”

“Where did you hide everything Dad?”

“Not telling you son, we still use those spaces to hide other things. Surely you can see that one person, even magical, couldn’t do every single house in the world in a night, and that parents have to band together to make that happen. Magic still exists but often it is just in the way people treat one another positively.”

“What about the Easter Bunny Dad?”

“That’s me too. Kind of creepy to think there is a bunny running around our house when we are sleeping, no?”

“The Tooth Fairy came and left me $20 just last week….”

“That’s me too Son. And I didn’t have anything smaller. Trust me, I heard it from the other parents about that one too..”

And we sat and talked for a while about a whole host of topics around holidays and the things parents do to make them special for their kids. It was a really good conversation. I told him that every kid learns this at their own time and place and to try and keep it special for other kids until they learn from their parents. Some learn of this really young, some older, everyone has their own time frame. He knows there are kids on his hockey team that still do and decided that it was best to let them enjoy it while they could.

My son is also a bit of a smartass sometimes, and the next day when he was waiting for his bus outside of our house and I drove past him to go to work I put my window down, told him that I loved him and that I hoped he had an awesome day at school and that I would see him afterwards.

He replied:

“Thanks Santa”

gave a huge smile, and off I went.

Maybe he is going to turn out ok afterall.

Personal Easter Eggs

When questing in the Savage Coast in The Secret World I came across a gem during the Crime and Punishment quest line. This was after finding Sam Krieg’s fan mancave and hacking into his computer:

You can click on that to enlarge it to read it, but it is the quest text for the final part. The text is about Sam Krieg and reads:

“Born September 11, 1951; history teacher; married three times; Anne-Marie Ellsworth left him in 1983 (glastnost was a front); TV star Bobbi Mann (born Popescu!) left him in 1986; third wife, Elizabeth Galvan, died of breast cancer in 2002; writes letters to his dead wife; loves cashmere; hates the Habs; misanthrope; knows all about the darkness in our hearts; the cadence of shit; conspiracy buff; dominant theme in his novels: people pulled into the abyss; drinking problems; writers block; OCD.”

That description of Sam by his fan was priceless to me. “Hates the Habs”. Most hockey fans would get the reference. I am a huge Habs fan (origin: Les Habitants, ie: The Montreal Canadiens). Any good New England guy would naturally hate the Habs. The Boston Bruins are our most hated and heated rivals. Seeing it in there just tied more relevance and “reality” to the game for me. Of course, Sam Krieg, New England native would hate the Habs. I am just more impressed that a Norweigian quest writer would know that.

I am not sure how many hockey, Canadiens, or Bruins fans actually play(ed) TSW and hopefully that reference was not missed or lost upon the members of the Secret Societies. Sometimes it is the simple things that you learn to appreciate.

Honest Kids

This Blog has always mostly been about gaming, some movies here and there, and other things like  TV shows. You know, the fun things to talk about. I even hit some political topics and generalities here and there. The blog subtitle is “Life and Interwebs” but mostly it has been about Interwebs. It works for me. Due to the fact that I am entering the dry season for gaming (summer summer summer time!) there will probably be a lot more dashes of “life” posts. My most exciting game right now is TSW and I am so far behind in it and learning the ropes there that I don’t have any interesting insights to share. I will be playing on the EQ Progression Server as soon as they figure out their stuff, and I’m due back in WildStar at some price point change. Just a heads up to expect more life posts. They were always supposed to be on equal footing here.

My son hates clementines. It drives me nuts, fruit is basically just candy that is good for you. We eat a lot of fruit in our house. Because I know he hates it, I try to shake him on that and often put them in his lunches. He never eats them, we discuss why, I reinforce my views that its delicious and good for you so try next time, life goes on. I have tried advanced methods such as pre-peeling them, taking off the white, stringy bits that I suspect turn him off from them, even washing them to make them shiny. I have (for either reasons unknown, or very silly reasons) made it a mission to make the kid like clementines. I am still shocked he doesn’t.

At one point last week when yet another freshly washed, peeled, plucked and separated clementine came home in his lunch pail I just wondered how he hasn’t learned how to lie yet. How easy would it be for him to throw it out at school and just say he ate it? Then we could skip our routine when he gets home where I ask why he didn’t eat it as he dumps the crusts and remains of his lunch pail into the garbage and he reminds me that he doesn’t like them.

Of course, he is only 10 so maybe he just hasn’t learned how to lie “right” yet. As an adult I its sad that I kind of expect to not get the truth. I forgot that at some point in life kids sort out it is easier to lie than face up to something – but before that point it isn’t even a consideration to not tell the truth.

Or, he is toying with me, and purposely doing it to show me who is really in charge.

Impressive, proud parent thinking either way.

(no, no clever gaming analogy to tie to this, just life and clementine musings. Although, I will probably stop bothering him about it now)

History is Important

I appreciate learning the history of things. Often, I think this comes with age. It’s not enough to just live in moment amongst the new – a lot of amazing things have happened in our world. Learning about them is important. I travel quite a bit for work and pleasure and when I get an opportunity to learn about the origin of things I do. This sometimes runs contrary to my normal likes and dislikes. For example, on a recent trip to Nashville I did the Grand Ol Opry tour. I don’t even like country music. What I did like was learning about the history, joy, and importance of a single building that has been very important to country music. It was a couple hours very well spent. Hee Haw.

I find every time I open my mind to learning about the origins of something (anything really – from Steamwhistle to Tobasco Sauce to Mayan civilizations) I appreciate that thing more. Everything has an origin story and some capture and record it better than others. In the example above of Tobasco, they have a full time PHD historian tracking the efforts and actions of the founders of the brand and historical artifacts – of a hot sauce. It is actually a very cool story. Many do not have such care for the past and doing so  is a good thing in a ‘what have you done for me lately’ society.

So naturally, when Zubon posted about Dr. Bartle’s post I felt it important for me to also repost and link to it. I don’t normally repost a post linking another post but as menioned in the prior paragraphs history is important. History about something you genuinely have passion for feels even moreso. The passion I have for gaming is pretty much the main reason why I blog in the first place.

All of this is history that needs to be recorded. It’s just not right for pioneers to be forgotten merely because they didn’t make millions from it. There are games historians today who think that virtual worlds began with Ultima Online or (for bonus points!) Meridian 59. A hundred years from now, there may be young researchers who are arguing in their PhDs that World of Warcraft had something to do with it. I won’t care myself, of course, as I’ll be dead; I care right now that few people care right now, though.

Hopefully by sharing this other people will care.

I do, sir.

Goalie Equipment and Mask Design

I am not sure if I have mentioned it here before, but I am a hockey goaltender. I spent my life playing the position and even now that I cracked the big four oh, I still play two to three times a week (in the winter). It’s fun exercise, allows me to still draw on my competitive nature, and overall, sit and have a beer with the guys a few times a week. Being a hockey goalie tends to come with certain expectations – one being that we are all crazy because we like vulcanized rubber hurdled in our direction at 100+ MPH (and we try to get in the way with it). I’ve had my own superstitions over the years and still dress left side first, every game. Heck, even my warm up stretches haven’t changed since I was sixteen years old. I can’t argue about there being screws loose. I mean, you have read some of my articles, haven’t you?

I have worn NHL pro level gear my entire hockey life. I was fortunate to have access to it. The gear that I have worn for the last eight years smells like it has been worn for eight years. Part of it is held together with duct and hockey tape. I have far outworn the lifetime of the gear but at the same time it just worked for me and of course had a lot of magic in it. Still, it’s time this year, with my 50/50 winnings from my fabled Les Habitants, I am replacing ALL of my gear. Although I am not playing pro level hockey I am still in two competitive leagues and I figured I will try to play for the rest of my life – so I am buying pro level gear, one more time. Part of me is really excited because the technology has changed so much – cross crease slides should be quicker and pucks should sting less (yes, the do hurt when hitting certain parts). So that is exciting. One change that will be REALLY weird for me is that in order to help increase scoring in the NHL a few years ago they made the maximum pad width 11″ – down from 12″. I am still using 12″ pads. From what I heard from my goalie brethren it actually increases agility by decreasing weight so it is a net benefit. Sorry for my ramble, I am guessing this isn’t nearly as exciting for you as it is for me.

Most of my gear (pads, glove, blocker) will be predominantly white. An optomistrist did a study and sorted out that white pads are harder to tell where the edges are for a shooter making a decision, and as such more pucks hit the pads. The stats on Marc Andre Fleury in white pads versus his yellow pads is astonishing! Still, I wanted a bit of color. My team colors are yellow, white and black so I opted for a simple white pad with black accent. Of course, to make it match, I did the same color pattern with glove and blocker. Below is what has been ordered.

Maybe you will recognize the design. Never a bad idea to duplicate the best goalie in the world, right?

It’s simple and fits my style. I am looking forward to stopping pucks with them. This leads to the big, fun question! My current mask is a custom 1999 Ed Cubberly. Ed used to make masks for such NHL greats as Mike Richter and Kirk McClean, but he has retired. My mask is heavy compared to the composite kevlar styles made today and with my mask needing repairs just to be safe, I decided it is time to upgrade that as well. To stick with my theme, I went with CCM.

The huge problem is, it’s all white. I need to get it painted. My last mask was actually worn in the NHL by a Carolina Hurricane and so I had those colors and styles. For this one I get to be creative! The thing is, I am not a very creative person by nature. Goalie masks are very personal and usually you have the graphics represent you (or the team you are playing for). I play for three separate teams, so the team angle doesn’t work. I could pick my favorite hockey team (the Habs) but they are red and blue as colors and that would clash pretty bad with my yellow and black gear and jerseys. So I am looking to BlogNation for inspiration and ideas! Here are some I would tack onto my idea board:

One of my favourite comic book characters, and as a solid piece of metal and strength could also easily represent “shutting the door” in net and stopping pucks. The yellow and X Men symbol would also fit nicely. Sticking with the superhero theme:

Gambit is another of my favorites, is pretty agile, and also can integrate the X-Men logo and theme. Not so sure about the pink though. Last but not least on the X-Men:

Yellow and dark blue/black, is an iconic Canadian superhero, and who doesn’t love wolverine? He is ranked third behind the two above however in terms of my superhero preference.

Other, non-superhero inspirations:

I love Calvin and Hobbes. My tatto is of Hobbes leaping accross my leg (as if he was to pounce on Calvin). I kind of like this face for the side of the mask as it is almost like a taunt to a player after a big save. My son thinks the following could look pretty cool:

The colors definitely fit the theme, but I was never a big transformers fan. Those are just color and theme inspirations, they wouldn’t be things decal’ed directly on. Here are some goalie masks in action to show the type of creativity that is done in this regard.

It’s pretty much an art form now.

So – do you have any ideas? Any preferences on the style board items I have shown? I would love to get some community opinions and thoughts!

Talkback Challenge #1 : How GamerGate Affected Me

I have mostly avoided participating in the major discussion threads surrounding #Gamergate for the sole reason that I find the internet a terrible place to have meaningful, open discussion on serious and important topics. I realize how silly that is as someone who blogs quite regularly and participates in a lot of blogs – perhaps I should rephrase. I find people intolerant of differences of opinions. Rightly or wrongly – it feels like when people are debating in written form it is for the sole purpose of proving they are right, or winning, versus learning, being open minded, moving the discussion forward in a positive and constructive manner, and sharing healthy discourse. I find pubs and beer is a much  better avenue for open, honest, and engaging debate. Still, I did touch upon my thoughts on it in two posts. One, captured it all quite perfectly through comedy on the Colbert Report:

My personal favourite moment is when Colbert compares the worry about what would happen to serious journalistic outlets such as Hollywood reporting (8:45) – TMZ, Entertainment tonight (etc.) if they too had ethics issues like Gaming journalism. I have missed that argument around all of the Gamergate “controversy” – most news sources we consume are pretty clear on their biases. It seems as though they are trying less to hide it, and at bare minimum the educated parts of society know the influences behind news reporting.

I love how comedy can often make more sense out of tough topics than serious discussion. I did write a more serious post about sensationalism in writing and shared what I feel the most simplest form of it all was – how it was trying to label me.

On that note on everything related to Gamergate I need to share a small part of what is important to me about it. And that is that I won’t be defined by labels. period. Being a gamer isn’t negative or positive anymore than being a man, or being black, or being a lesbian is negative or positive. Equating the word “gamer” to “misogynist” or “racist” or any negative connotation is entirely irresponsible. A gamer is someone who games, nothing more, nothing less. The label doesn’t mean who you are. Your actions – how you treat people and what you personally represent – does.

I have been very consistent with the viewpoint that the world doesn’t need big heroes, it really needs a lot (like, millions) of regular people just being a bit nicer to each other. That is how the human race can truly change the world. Celebrities have a fraction of the power as a community working together. Holding doors open, saying ‘Thank You’ to strangers, helping out locally, and being open minded and understanding that we are not going to agree on everything and be tolerant of other viewpoints. Especially when they aren’t harmful or endangering.

Izlain’s talkback challenge was to share how #Gamergate affected me, not how I wrote about it. And, the  truth is it did very little to nothing.  I followed it closely and read a lot of posts but I felt that a paragraph here or there on the topic couldn’t do it justice, or wouldn’t be complete enough, easily counter argued and/or picked apart. I also do not write essay style posts here as it is a very relaxed and conversational blog and I did not feel like having to defend myself or worry about “winning” the argument. All that being said it does not mean I am not sensitive to the issues and problems  and I do believe change is good in this industry – I constantly argue here that the gaming industry is incredibly immature – and that is scary for a multi-billion dollar business. What I worry about is gaming hasn’t even sorted out how to reward and support long term employment and stability for the industry, let alone tackle serious gender representation issues. I believe it will all come in time and people are right to fight to speed that up when they are really passionate about it. People are also right to fight to ensure freedom of speech is safe even if it isn’t the popular opinion.

Now, at this point, you could try and argue that by me not taking a big stand (either way) that I am making the problem worse, not better. And to that I say stop trying to win an argument on the internet. I live my life with a mind and heart on equality. I learned this when I went to a liberal arts university in Canada in the 90s – and the university was ‘famous’ for it’s gay and lesbian population. Not that percentage wise it was any higher than any other Canadian campus, but that they were more free to be open about their sexuality. It was common to see same sex couples holding hands around campus – and in the 90s, this wasn’t as common as it is today.  I learned a lot there as a young adult growing into manhood and one of the defining moments that I recall strongly was a “Take Back the Night” rally – where hundreds of women would march down the streets of the city to show they weren’t afraid – and wanted the freedom and safety to walk at night. Something so simple that many men take for granted. Being a young idealist at the time, I wanted to help out! I wanted to support this movement and show solidarity with my sisters. The only thing I was allowed to do to support?  Help clean up the next day. They didn’t want male participation. Men where the ones causing fear for women to walk at night for fear of sexual assault (or worse). This was a women only march. I was pretty mad at first. I am not the problem. I didn’t assault women – I was the help and support walking my female friends home so they were safe. I supported their cause and understood their fear – not from experience, but because I had a lot of women friends who would share their feelings with me. Even though I was the one walking them home at night to be safe, the fact that they needed a man to do that at all to feel safe was the core of the problem to begin with. I was disappointed in what I was being told but in the end I did what they asked of me and grabbed a broom. I learned that day that even though I personally wasn’t the problem I still represented it, and that if I pushed the issue and walked the streets with them I was still taking away the empowerment they so badly wanted (and deserved). So I did the next best thing I could. I helped clean up.

Ever since then I have lived my life trying to learn and be open and do the right thing. I didn’t fight for or against #Gamergate online because the battle was crazy and both sides often being completely intolerant and silly to each other. The signal to noise ratio of meaningful or constructive discussion was near impossible to find. So I hit “like” on the posts I read that I liked, and ignored the troll bait, stunts and senseless arguments that was also abundant. And throughout all of that reading continued to live my life as the best person I could to the human beings I came in contact with in my everyday life.

#Gamergate didn’t affect me, but it reminded me of how far we have to go as human beings to be good to one another.